My First UCT Milestone

Today was a good day. 

Stepping into the world of university I had many expectations and ambitions to make a flying start to life behind the beard. Progress though has been slow as this week has been leant mostly to introductory lectures and tut sign-ups amongst other logistical issues. This day, however, has been a productive one. A day full of firsts!

I made it on time to my first class of the day (maths) for the first time this semester, sprinted accross 'University Avenue' to successfully claim a chair in the ecos lecture for the first time (much to the envy of all the callous-assed dilly-dalliers seated about the hall on the hard carpet floor), and managed to complete a level of Plants vs Zombies 2 while traversing the Jammie steps. With an hour to spare due to a cancelled lecture, I went on an epic quest around campus for a lunch befitting of my constructive day.

It was down a small dingy alley behind an old blue tent that I ordered the famous 'Juan Smaah Cheekin Noodah' (one small chicken noodle) referred to me by a good friend, and sat beneath the trees to feast on all that Asiany goodness. Now to the alumni of this particular Chinese establishment, you all know that the kind Asian lady packs her take-aways like one of those Tokyo bullet  trains where gloved transport officials have to personally shove standing commuters inside the carriage just so that the doors can close: 

http://youtu.be/9XfVl6_R7_k

After opening the box, the compressed stack of noodles doubles in height and one must use a series of very precise fork actions in order to transfer some of the noodles over to the lid of the container without letting any spill out the sides. Owing to the stringy nature of noodles, this is an almost impossible feat, and the various 'recycled plastic' tables there are left coated with a thin lining of 'Noodah'. 

It is for this reason that I went 'full focus' to ensure my thriftiness, which brings me to the topic of the post; my first big UCT milestone! After 8 minutes and 14 seconds I successfully finished the last noodle, not having dropped a single piece throughout the meal! It was a moment of pure elation. I sat there shocked for a few moments trying to understand what it meant. This single accomplishment symbolised the end of the beginning of my journey at this vine-covered village of students. My life at UCT, had begun.

Sadly, my joy was short lived as half way through 'Accounts' class I felt a bowel surge of astronomic proportions. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! 

Luckily enough I had become well acquainted with the Zoology building by that time and managed to reach the cubicle of the bathroom (the one with a mirror that's awkwardly close to the urinals) just in time. 

Several centuries later I emerged shocked, but unscathed; and ready to realise the next milestone of my epic journey.

Embracing Yourself

!VIEWERS WARNING! This blog post is not a guide to hugging yourself. I apologize in advance to all persons concerned for any damage or repercussions caused through the ambiguity of the title. Victims of deceit may however be consoled by the following link which may provide some compensation: http://www.wikihow.com/Hug-Yourself

I have often heard the tale of how my aunty (who, for fear of no longer receiving birthday cards from her, shall not be named) had her life transformed in the most arbitrary of places; a shoe shop. Not only did she leave the store with a brand new pair of comfortable ‘shoezies’ (diminutive of shoes), but also with an entirely new outlook on life.

One day, Gabriel, a fabulous Woolies store attendant, spotted my aunt plodding through the boots section looking rather lost. She didn’t look lost as such but he must have assumed so as no right-minded person would be browsing the fur-coated footwear in the sweltering heat of the African sun, and especially not during the ‘50% off Summer Sales’ that had the rest of the mall flocking around large spreads of the latest sandals and slip-slops. On approach he was horrified to discover my aunty wearing a similar pair of large boots at the time as well.

Concerned for the thermal wellbeing of her feet, he offered his assistance.

“Good afternoon ma’am, may I offer my assistance?”

“Oh, hi! Yes, I’m looking for another pair of these,” she said pointing to the pristine shoes on her feet.

Gabe withheld a disapproving look.

“Ah, flying to Europe for a winter holiday trip, are we?” he said hopefully.

“I wish!” she replied, “Actually I’m looking for another pair to wear on alternating days, so that I don’t wear them out as fast.”

“But lady, it’s thirty-eight degrees! You can’t wear boots like that every day; your poor toe-tjies will melt! Why not pick up a pair of sandals from our wonderful summer sale section!”

My aunt blushed. “Well, I don’t usually wear sandals…”

“Why not?”

She glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was around. “It’s just that I’ve got a –“

“Got a what?”

My aunty leant forward and said in a hoarse whisper, “I’ve got a funny toe.”

Gabriel paused for a thoughtful moment to decide what he should say next. “Show me.”

A few minutes of squabbling and resistance later, Gabe had my aunty seated on one of those poufy shoe-trying-on chairs with her left foot fully exposed.

“Well where is it?”

“That one,” my aunty said indicating towards her banana shaped pinkie toe.

“That’s the toe?”

“Yip…”

“You’re telling me you’ve been scalding your toe-tjies because you have a slightly irregular little pinkie!?”

“Well I can’t wear sandals otherwise it’ll stick out and everyone will stare at me!”

 Gabriel looked stunned. In one swooping motion he gripped my aunty by the shoulders and said in a reaffirming voice, “Lady... Embrace your toes!”

And with that my aunty stood up, smiled widely, and marched towards the summer sales section.

“Ma’am, you forgot your boot!” Gabe called, but she didn’t hear him. She had already heard everything she needed to hear.

Thus, a simple visit to Woolies had inspired a new chapter in my auntie’s life. One in which she may flourish and relish in the good times of a being a lady who has embraced herself. 

The Art of the Sandwich

For many years I pondered the fine art of sandwich making. With each sandwich I made, I attempted to push forth the frontiers of the art by trying something new, and occasionally I stumbled upon a gastronomical discovery. Eventually my experimenting came to a standstill in an eater’s-block sort of way. Discouraged by my lack of progress, I decided to look back to the sandwich’s long and illustrious history for inspiration.

It turns out that the origin of the modern sandwich can be traced back to the year 1762 when an inveterate gambler and card player was dealt a dire dilemma in which his sudden lust for luscious lamb was juxtaposed with the knowledge that satisfying his craving would result in him having to abandon his card hand on the table in order to wash the meaty goodness from the biological ones on the end of his wrists all in an attempt to keep his cards from getting greasy.

If you read that in one breath, take this moment to pat yourself on the back...Got your breath back yet? Great.

In a moment of pure brilliance he requested that his servant serve him the cuts of meat twixt the two halves of a loaf of bread. The man in question was one John Montagu, the 4^th Earl of Sandwich, who then leant his title to the creation and thusly one of the great meals of today was born.

The 4th Earl of Sandwich, no doubt wearing a wig...

Why he didn’t just ask for the lamb to be cut into bite size strips that could be eaten with a fork is puzzling to me. But had he thought things through, we would now be unable to enjoy the many unhealthy benefits caused by a reliance on bread as a culinary staple.

Spurred on by my useless bit of googling I continued my pursuit of the finest sandwich. In order to comprehensively prove what the best fillings are I decided to get technical. After much research and disdain at how other websites had based their ‘top ten’ sandwiches on nothing other than opinionated preferences, I conducted a series of scientific tests involving my dog and a packet of rubber bands to systematically measure the greatness of all sandwich toppings in the world. Following each test the food substance was assigned a value between 7 and 53 using the Raadular Flavour Gauge. 

The results were quite staggering…

In an unlikely turn of events, every single one of the six toppings tested came out with a score of 42.

Unsure as to what caused the anomaly and quite hungry at that point, I decided to eschew my quest for the time being, put down my pooch, and have cereal for supper instead.

Claims of Occupation

One thing that has sparked huge controversy amongst my many devout readers is the 'Regarding the Raad' column on my my profile. The ostentatiousness of my claims of occupation has stirred a sort of perceived arrogance about me, and whilst I write this partly to quell these rumours, my main intention is to alter your understanding of the concept of success and revive your lost aspirations.

Someone who claims to have as many occupations as I have indicated must surely be off his rocker. Let's pause for a minute and refer to our good ol' friend Google in search of what an occupation actually is: http://bit.ly/1bpegVP

The first definition may not elicit a single reaction, but the second will hopefully make you realize something; you don't have to be a so-called 'professional' to be the noun-agent version of the thing you do. As in the words of American film director, screenwriter, producer, cinematographer, editor, actor and musician, Robert Rodriguez, when addressing a bunch of aspiring hopefuls:

"So you wanna be a filmmaker? Wrong. You are a filmmaker. The moment you think about that you want to be a film maker, you're that. Make yourself a business card that says you're a filmmaker, pass them around to your friends, and as you get that over with and you got that in your mind that you are one; you'll be one, you'll start thinking like one. Don't dream about being a filmmaker; you are a filmmaker."

You don't have to be successful to be all the things you want to be, you just have to do them, take pride in doing them, and enjoy the process. Who determines if you're 'successful' or not, and why do you listen to those people anyhoo! Success is personal. It's like a big bowl of instant pudding; in the box you get a mixture of happiness and self satisfaction, but to enjoy the pudding itself you have to pour in the hard work and give it the time it needs to set. Once complete, you over-indulge on this delicacy (and don't let just anybody have a taste).

This analogy is ruined by the fact that I sometimes enjoy unset pudding. This can be attributed to my impatience, which in same cases is not a bad thing. If you want something with great desire, and want it now, you will go to great lengths to achieve it. This drive is necessary to attain your personal success. It is not however, in the case of some bearded Shakespearean/Scottish kings, a reason to commit murder and treason.

Balance out the ambition of MacBeth and the common-sense of someone who has common-sense (there are YouTube tutorials for this stuff) and  you will have all the ingredients to make the perfect little girls  dessert. If you prefer more elaborate cuisine; no problem! Just don't stop halfway. There's nothing worse than finding someone's half-finished business that has been left to ferment over long periods of time.

Take this from someone who has been scolded many a time for leaving sandwiches in his school bag, sometimes over the course of summer holidays.

Maybe that's the reason why my mom never 'made' me lunchboxes for school...

A Funny Find

At a 'White Elephant' book sale held at a recent carnival, I found myself looking at old dusty literature in search of vintage covered pieces that could prove the making of some good movie props. It was during my perusal through the sports section that I came upon a rather curious sight.

Tucked away between a thick leather bound horse racing record book spanning half a century, and the bestselling 'Heart of Success' by esteemed South African Rob Parson, lay a paperback from the popular 'Dummies' series on nothing other than the 'Tour de France'!

It turns out that their sports
section is two books big...

Coming mere weeks after my ramblings on Lance Armstrong were published, there seemed no way that that particular book could have coincidentally popped up at a 'White Elephant' sale. I asked the shopkeeper and, just as I predicted, found out that this particular copy was donated by a former cancer patient who had suddenly lost interest in the cycling competition in lieu of his role model's moral downfall.

Well not exactly... But had I the nerve to interrupt the elderly shopkeeper's intense concentration with which she was solving a Sudoku puzzle, I wouldn't have been surprised to find out that this was in fact the case.

I didn't get to ask her, nor did I find any good potential props for my upcoming film, but it sure got me thinking about the effects that public figures have on people's lives. For good and for bad. It's amazing how suddenly and radically a man's reputation can be made or tarnished.

Only the genuine heroes survive. Only those who are who they seem to be can maintain their status once it has been established. 

Makes you wonder whether putting on a facade and becoming a fictional, supposedly 'better version' of yourself is really worth it.

The truth is, a house of lies is built on a tectonic fault line. No matter how big your house is, if there is the slightest disturbance in the earth, it's going to come crashing down.

So unless you want to fall into a deep fissure of molten lava and be instantly incinerated, just be yourself. It's who you were meant to be.  

Pizza Pinching

My heart nearly jumped off the edge of a cliff and into a pool of man-eating sharks as I opened my fridge door this morning in search of last night's pizza. I had especially hidden it at the back of the top shelf, but to my horror, I brushed aside the wall of milk cartons to find a plate-sized gap formally populated by my breakfast to-be.

Luckily my leftovers were safe, and were merely placed in a container and stowed away on a lower shelf by my thoughtful mother in an attempt to keep in its tasty freshness. Although the act in itself was harmless and done with nothing but good intentions, this would not have been the first time my pizza was nicked between the time of fridge placement and me arriving at the kitchen in anticipation of a tantalizing breakfast.

In fact, pizza pinching is, and has been, a major issue in the Raad household for many years now. At one stage, the problem had created such a hostile environment within our home that, following an incident in which my brother was left pizzaless and the perpetrator remained at large, it was decided that regulations must be put in place to ensure that something of this severity would never happen again.

In the weeks that followed, several different approaches were attempted to eradicate the issue. Furthermore cases of injustice brought family relations to the brink of destruction before a solution was finally discovered. It revolved around the main reason for pinchers getting away with their deeds, all claiming that they “didn’t see a name on the pizza.” Black markers were thus brought out upon the subsequent consumption of such food, and the boxes were adorned with messages claiming ownership and slandering any would be criminals. The messages made people feel so bad about even thinking of snatching a slice that there has not been a reported case of pizza pinching since the methods inception. Sometimes they would get replies, and even long conversations were held through this new medium of communication, and anyone passing through the kitchen at any time could stop and enjoy the benevolent banter bedecked upon the formerly flavorless boxes.

And so what had been a life threatening issue within my family had developed into a now favourite pastime in which we interact, share jokes, and relate with one another in good spirit.

And all was well with the world once more.

Making the Most of Life

"Life's short. Make the most of it."

This commonly used phrase is blurted out frequently, mostly by people who seem to be practising what they preach. Upon inspection, one realises that this simple phrase is harder to follow than first anticipated, and in reality, I doubt anyone can  truly say he is making the most of life... Although this doesn't mean we shouldn't try to.

To do this we must aim to use every minute of every day to its utmost. If you take all the moments that you aren't making full use of and add them together, you are left with a considerable chunk of time with which more can be done with. Technology allows us to do just that, especially during activities where no hands are needed or one hand is free. I have taken the liberty of drawing up a list of the top 5 things you can do today to maybe not perfect your time usage, but certainly improve it:

• 5. Accessibility to everything! This is the art of being able to organize your work space so that everything you could ever think of needing is less than an arms length or a chair's roll away. This means being tidy and I of all people know that this is easier said than done. However, the only reason why my desk looks like the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan is because I am too lazy to pack things back into their rightful place. But if their rightful place was actually only a stretch away I would be more enticed to keep things tidy. So arrange your seat so that while sitting at your desk you have access to as many things as possible. I find that a huge time-saver is to keep a stash of food to nibble on tucked away in a nearby drawer, which saves the totally unnecessary 10-step walk to the kitchen...

• 4. Absorbing information to be remembered is usually a tedious process of repetition. But why can't I remember lists or names as well as I can recall the entire lyrics of the latest pop song? Well that's just it isn't it: repetition! Unknowingly we are exposed to promoted songs several times a day whether it be through the radio or on our iPods. If you did the same thing with information that you need to remember, then you would never have problems. And to make the process even more efficient; why not combine it with your daily chores? Record yourself reading a list of information that you need to remember, preferably in short chunks, and play it on repeat while doing the dishes or cleaning the table. Say the words with the recording, and soon enough you'll have those important lists of Game of Thrones character names memorized in a jiffy!

• 3. Most smart phones come standard with text reading applications. This means that while you are busy getting down and dirty, your phone can read you stuff that you're too busy to read. Emails, online news, text messages etc. can all now be absorbed while doing unavoidable daily activities, such as while shaving, eating breakfast or even just clipping your toenails. Just another small thing that most have access to, but that the majority of people don't use... Wasted resources if you ask me!

• 2. Doing work while sleeping! OK I'm just joking about that one... But maybe it's one for the future! If our brain activity at night could be recorded and used to create 3D worlds and movies, who knows what could happen. But until then,why not try something small, but helpful nonetheless: I find that when I get absorbed into something I completely lose track of the time. To solve this issue I created a timer that would inform me every three minutes that three minutes had indeed passed. Seems silly, but this sort of thing can really cut down on the time you spend doing things that could be done much quicker if only you realized when you were dilly-dallying. 

• 1. The number one stretch of idleness for the majority of the common people is that caused by long stints in the bathroom. We have all experienced those dragged out moments where as hard as we may try, the best solution to the problem seems to be just to sit, relax, and wait for nature to perform its duty. During these callous moments, minutes can tick by without us even realising! The best way to combat this is to find something that preferably requires a single hand, for reasons I hope obvious, such as reading the newspaper or your favourite book. Just make sure you don't dirty the pages!

Just to prove my point, I typed this entire post on my Samsung S2 whilst upon the high seat of parliament, and now that my motion has been passed, I hope you will follow suit.