My First UCT Milestone

Today was a good day. 

Stepping into the world of university I had many expectations and ambitions to make a flying start to life behind the beard. Progress though has been slow as this week has been leant mostly to introductory lectures and tut sign-ups amongst other logistical issues. This day, however, has been a productive one. A day full of firsts!

I made it on time to my first class of the day (maths) for the first time this semester, sprinted accross 'University Avenue' to successfully claim a chair in the ecos lecture for the first time (much to the envy of all the callous-assed dilly-dalliers seated about the hall on the hard carpet floor), and managed to complete a level of Plants vs Zombies 2 while traversing the Jammie steps. With an hour to spare due to a cancelled lecture, I went on an epic quest around campus for a lunch befitting of my constructive day.

It was down a small dingy alley behind an old blue tent that I ordered the famous 'Juan Smaah Cheekin Noodah' (one small chicken noodle) referred to me by a good friend, and sat beneath the trees to feast on all that Asiany goodness. Now to the alumni of this particular Chinese establishment, you all know that the kind Asian lady packs her take-aways like one of those Tokyo bullet  trains where gloved transport officials have to personally shove standing commuters inside the carriage just so that the doors can close: 

http://youtu.be/9XfVl6_R7_k

After opening the box, the compressed stack of noodles doubles in height and one must use a series of very precise fork actions in order to transfer some of the noodles over to the lid of the container without letting any spill out the sides. Owing to the stringy nature of noodles, this is an almost impossible feat, and the various 'recycled plastic' tables there are left coated with a thin lining of 'Noodah'. 

It is for this reason that I went 'full focus' to ensure my thriftiness, which brings me to the topic of the post; my first big UCT milestone! After 8 minutes and 14 seconds I successfully finished the last noodle, not having dropped a single piece throughout the meal! It was a moment of pure elation. I sat there shocked for a few moments trying to understand what it meant. This single accomplishment symbolised the end of the beginning of my journey at this vine-covered village of students. My life at UCT, had begun.

Sadly, my joy was short lived as half way through 'Accounts' class I felt a bowel surge of astronomic proportions. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! 

Luckily enough I had become well acquainted with the Zoology building by that time and managed to reach the cubicle of the bathroom (the one with a mirror that's awkwardly close to the urinals) just in time. 

Several centuries later I emerged shocked, but unscathed; and ready to realise the next milestone of my epic journey.

Embracing Yourself

!VIEWERS WARNING! This blog post is not a guide to hugging yourself. I apologize in advance to all persons concerned for any damage or repercussions caused through the ambiguity of the title. Victims of deceit may however be consoled by the following link which may provide some compensation: http://www.wikihow.com/Hug-Yourself

I have often heard the tale of how my aunty (who, for fear of no longer receiving birthday cards from her, shall not be named) had her life transformed in the most arbitrary of places; a shoe shop. Not only did she leave the store with a brand new pair of comfortable ‘shoezies’ (diminutive of shoes), but also with an entirely new outlook on life.

One day, Gabriel, a fabulous Woolies store attendant, spotted my aunt plodding through the boots section looking rather lost. She didn’t look lost as such but he must have assumed so as no right-minded person would be browsing the fur-coated footwear in the sweltering heat of the African sun, and especially not during the ‘50% off Summer Sales’ that had the rest of the mall flocking around large spreads of the latest sandals and slip-slops. On approach he was horrified to discover my aunty wearing a similar pair of large boots at the time as well.

Concerned for the thermal wellbeing of her feet, he offered his assistance.

“Good afternoon ma’am, may I offer my assistance?”

“Oh, hi! Yes, I’m looking for another pair of these,” she said pointing to the pristine shoes on her feet.

Gabe withheld a disapproving look.

“Ah, flying to Europe for a winter holiday trip, are we?” he said hopefully.

“I wish!” she replied, “Actually I’m looking for another pair to wear on alternating days, so that I don’t wear them out as fast.”

“But lady, it’s thirty-eight degrees! You can’t wear boots like that every day; your poor toe-tjies will melt! Why not pick up a pair of sandals from our wonderful summer sale section!”

My aunt blushed. “Well, I don’t usually wear sandals…”

“Why not?”

She glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was around. “It’s just that I’ve got a –“

“Got a what?”

My aunty leant forward and said in a hoarse whisper, “I’ve got a funny toe.”

Gabriel paused for a thoughtful moment to decide what he should say next. “Show me.”

A few minutes of squabbling and resistance later, Gabe had my aunty seated on one of those poufy shoe-trying-on chairs with her left foot fully exposed.

“Well where is it?”

“That one,” my aunty said indicating towards her banana shaped pinkie toe.

“That’s the toe?”

“Yip…”

“You’re telling me you’ve been scalding your toe-tjies because you have a slightly irregular little pinkie!?”

“Well I can’t wear sandals otherwise it’ll stick out and everyone will stare at me!”

 Gabriel looked stunned. In one swooping motion he gripped my aunty by the shoulders and said in a reaffirming voice, “Lady... Embrace your toes!”

And with that my aunty stood up, smiled widely, and marched towards the summer sales section.

“Ma’am, you forgot your boot!” Gabe called, but she didn’t hear him. She had already heard everything she needed to hear.

Thus, a simple visit to Woolies had inspired a new chapter in my auntie’s life. One in which she may flourish and relish in the good times of a being a lady who has embraced herself. 

The Art of the Sandwich

For many years I pondered the fine art of sandwich making. With each sandwich I made, I attempted to push forth the frontiers of the art by trying something new, and occasionally I stumbled upon a gastronomical discovery. Eventually my experimenting came to a standstill in an eater’s-block sort of way. Discouraged by my lack of progress, I decided to look back to the sandwich’s long and illustrious history for inspiration.

It turns out that the origin of the modern sandwich can be traced back to the year 1762 when an inveterate gambler and card player was dealt a dire dilemma in which his sudden lust for luscious lamb was juxtaposed with the knowledge that satisfying his craving would result in him having to abandon his card hand on the table in order to wash the meaty goodness from the biological ones on the end of his wrists all in an attempt to keep his cards from getting greasy.

If you read that in one breath, take this moment to pat yourself on the back...Got your breath back yet? Great.

In a moment of pure brilliance he requested that his servant serve him the cuts of meat twixt the two halves of a loaf of bread. The man in question was one John Montagu, the 4^th Earl of Sandwich, who then leant his title to the creation and thusly one of the great meals of today was born.

The 4th Earl of Sandwich, no doubt wearing a wig...

Why he didn’t just ask for the lamb to be cut into bite size strips that could be eaten with a fork is puzzling to me. But had he thought things through, we would now be unable to enjoy the many unhealthy benefits caused by a reliance on bread as a culinary staple.

Spurred on by my useless bit of googling I continued my pursuit of the finest sandwich. In order to comprehensively prove what the best fillings are I decided to get technical. After much research and disdain at how other websites had based their ‘top ten’ sandwiches on nothing other than opinionated preferences, I conducted a series of scientific tests involving my dog and a packet of rubber bands to systematically measure the greatness of all sandwich toppings in the world. Following each test the food substance was assigned a value between 7 and 53 using the Raadular Flavour Gauge. 

The results were quite staggering…

In an unlikely turn of events, every single one of the six toppings tested came out with a score of 42.

Unsure as to what caused the anomaly and quite hungry at that point, I decided to eschew my quest for the time being, put down my pooch, and have cereal for supper instead.